Like Jo, I've also had a crazy busy week. Last week I was complaining because work was so un-busy and I was essentially trying to make myself look busy while actually reading Dlisted and other gossip blogs. Anyhoo, I had the bright idea of assigning myself more work so I'd actually be busy (rather than pretending to be), so now I have work and am procrastinating because that's the way I am.
I wrote a script for work in which my supervisor said "the concept is award-winning, but the execution is wrong." Uh....okay. So I'm stuck and putting it off. How can the execution be so off, but the concept "brilliant"?
Last night in acting class I burst out in tears. I feel terrible for my partner but my teacher (who's known to be really tough) commended me for being "so brave" and taking a "risk". I felt the opposite because that's what we all do in real life. Shut down our real emotions. Control ourselves. That's why this class is so challenging. I have to un-learn all those behaviors that I practice in daily life. You think I'd be commended for bursting out in tears at work? Hell no!
Anyways, I think the outburst was due to PMS and the rough week I've been having (possibly due to PMS). I feel like my depression's creeping up on me again and I'm scared and I'm confused and I'm mad at myself because I thought I'd gotten over it all.
I attribute it to the crappy weather. I hate winter!
Or perhaps it's the moody music I've been listening to. Music that pierces me and makes me feel and be inspired and creative.
And then I notice the disparity of real life and my fictional imagined life. And it sucks but I still don't believe in myself, still don't know what I want, and I'm still too chicken to do anything about it. What if I take risks and the outcome is worse than I ever could have imagined? That's just being realistic right? And part of the package I suppose....dang quarter-life crisis!
Sorry for the cryptic post, I don't want to be such a downer so I'll stop now....
gonna go to a hip-hop class soon so I'm hoping that those endorphins will help me!
3 comments:
Hey!
Hopefully after your hip-hop class, you're feeling better! Is it just work that's making you feel this way? Well, just think, on Monday we'll have Mariah Carey's concert to go to and I'm sure her 'diva' ways will cheer you up!
Smile!!!
Poor girl! Life and PMS suck!! I'm with you on that one! Well, it's always better to take the risk than wonder all your life what would've happened if you didn't. Keep on going!
I totally know how you feel Anh! Being down and depressed . . . sucks. Wow. Totally profound statement, but think about it! There's nothing worse than having somthing suck. I was trying to drink this super thick booster juice today and I had to suck so hard my brains felt like they were caving in on themselves and I have to say that sucking, well . . . sucks. Yeah. Even more profound statement.
Alright. Ignore all that. What I'm trying to say is that I know how you feel and it sucks but embrace it! Some of the best stuff comes out of my depressive moods. It's like a self-medicative kick in the ass sometimes. I'm rambling. This is the longest comment EVER.
Hope you're feeling better, but if you're not, just remember: sucking sucks.
Yeah. Brain flatulence moment here.
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