I think I'm crazy...

I haven't blogged for a long time, but it's not for lack of drama, believe me! It's probably b/c the drama's been draining me...

over the course of the last few weeks, I've decided that:

- I want to start my own business
- I want to act
- I am a pretty good writer
- I want a part-time job so I can save more money
- I want to find a new job
- I am a bad writer
- I am a bad actress

first off, there's been drama at work....too much to write in one post...I will say firstly though, that I hate being the secret-keeper. It's a burden that is too much to bear.

The editor has complained to me about another producer, and I try to defend her, while listening to him at the same time and allowing him to vent. Today, it all imploded.

He emails me and is all "was your meeting with (the boss) really that bad? [more on that later] cuz ___ is giving me attitude"

So I ask ___ if everything's okay b/c the editor says she's giving him attitude. She says everything's fine and that he's overreacting.

So then I talk to the editor on the phone and am trying to be peacemaker. "___ says she's not giving you attitude" to which he says "do you tell her everything I say" to which I say "I don't usually". Of course ___ hears this and gets all defensive. "Do you guys always talk about me?"

I am in digging-self-out-of-hole mode. I've said too much. I'm so stuck in the middle. What do I tell her? I don't want to betray the editor's trust, but don't want to cause a situation where she feels she's being talked about all the time.

Anyways, I tell her the truth, that no, he only complains to me sometimes, and it's not a big deal. ___ asks why he doesn't go straight to her. I plead ignorance. I don't' know. This whole thing is getting too messy.

When people tell you secrets, what should you do? Do you tell the other party? Do you try to be helpful? Do you just listen? Do you join in on the tirade or do you remain neutral? aaaaccckkkk!!! It's a burden I don't appreciate carrying...

The editor doesn't tell __ b/c she'll get too defensive, which is true. So he tells me, possibly to warn me from doing the same thing, and possibly b/c we used to work closely together and I'd understand where he's coming from.

I've tried to remain neutral, but even that's biting me in the ass.
___ probably thinks I should've told her. I didn't want to cause any problems b/c I'm just an intermediary. I don't want to be the messenger and bearer of bad news.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Just hoping they can be adults and not make me look like the bad guy.

Anyhoo.....onto some other drama at work......involves my writing skills (or lack thereof).

I get this email from my supervisor regarding the latest script I've written for Bad Boys 2, a promo that'll run for 4 days. Wait, before I go on, I should probably describe my job, since most of you don't know what I do.....

I write/produce promos for my stations. This entails watching a show, picking clips and visuals, music and sound effects, writing and creating a concept, and sitting in on the edit session. It is fun, but much more difficult than you'd imagine it to be.

...so anyways, he sends me an email on how I am "developing a bad habit of using colloquialisms (though I think he means cliches)....that's the sign of a lazy writer....and etc."
then semi-apologizes in a second email saying "it's a hard habit to break, but your job as a writer is not to use them, but to create new ones."

I revise kmy script, send it back to him, and then he adds a line that's a total cliche "feel the heat".
Total hypocrite. So I call him on it. Why is he allowed to do this when I'm not? His cliche's so overdone, whereas mine wasn't nearly so bad.

The answer? In short, he has to make the call. So what he says goes. He knows the voice of our demographic...it's all subjective...he didn't think his line was cliche.....and on and on.
Translation: I am at his beck and call. True, that's his job, and it's his back on the line if Toronto doesn't like soemthing.....but can you see how frustrating it is? I'm starting to second-guess everything I write!!! I'm trying to write in his voice, because I know it won't be approved otherwise.

then he asked "how many times do you edit your work before sending it to me?"
meaning: don't you edit your work? are you that lazy?
what I said: "well that depends on how much time I have to write it. how long it's going to write for. and how much trouble I'm having with it."
what I should have said: well honestly, I've stopped proofreading b/c I know you're going to change everything I write anyways, so what's the point? the more time I invest in it, the more frustrated I'm going to be.

Not trying to be all high and mighty here, but I know I'm not a bad writer, but that's exactly what I'm feeling like....and who's to say that I can't write for our demographic? (younger boys). My supervisor might be a guy, yes, but I'm much younger than him, and anyways, the point is that not everything has to be award-winning and completely concept-driven.
It should be okay to just communicate effectively, especially when I have tight deadlines!!

aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!

That's not even the whole story....too many incidents to write about now, but I have to be professional about it, suck it up, and think he means well. He's just trying to mentor me, or in his words, "make [my] game so much better."

Other than that.....am crazy swamped b/c of the holidays...I sat in on a casting call last week, and am also casting for something I'm shooting next week which should be exciting....but stressful!! ack!

also have to start researching New York and start Christmas shopping/baking!!!

Crazy times!

Oh yeah, and I dyed half of my head blonde b/c I was getting bored. And I've been painting my nails black and dressing all "wigger" (according to one co-worker).

Identity crisis much?

PS...I used ____ in place of a nickname b/c I'm paranoid as hell, and also not really creative right now!