Am stressing out......finally bought my tix to London (yay!) but not without spending an extra $250!!! If only I had bought them a few days earlier. I was going to wait for some last minute deals, but it appears that the last minute deals will cost more since it'll be later and prices are skyrocketing as the days go by.
I saw my doctor and need to go for a cerebral angiogram. I read up on it and it sounds a little bit scary. I also have my flight booked for the day after the test. I told the secretary and she said it should be okay, but thank god I double-checked with my neuro-surgeon. Apparently it's NOT okay because I'm flying so far, and because I might strain myself with luggage and what not (and they'll be inserting the catheter through my groin area). The secretary didn't ask me where I was going, and I guess I forgot to tell her too. So I'm hoping it can be re-scheduled at a better time (since it'll take a whole day) and that way I won't have so much running around to do and won't need to be so paranoid about something going wrong.
Another stressor, and this is the biggest one: my mom. She's taking all her anger from everyone else, out on me. She's mad that I'm going to London but she can't understand cuz she hates vacations. She's making it sound like the end of the world, when it's just a VACATION! A snippet of our conversation:
"Aren't you afraid of dying?" snapped my mom.
"Mom, you make it sound so bad. It's only a vacation."
"I don't know why you have to go so far. You're not scared of dying?"
"Yes. That's why I'm going! Might as well have some fun before I die."
"Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care. You children never listen to me anyways."
She always tries the guilt-trip and does the whole "I could care less" attitude. It stresses me out!! My mom tries so hard to control all of my family's lives. It annoying, belittling, and makes me scared to do anything! I can only imagine what it would've been like to grow up in a supportive family environment. I probably would've accomplished a lot more by now. Instead, I'm stuck at being mediocre. If I try to do anything that involves risk, I'll just be shot-down and constantly nagged about it. Seriously! I can't even take a trip without hearing about how I should "just stay home" because my mom loves staying home in her comfort zone. I know I can't blame all my insecurities on my family, but when you're brought up in an environment where there's fear of change, you naturally absorb some of those thoughts. I'm so sick of it! Now I know why people move out when they turn 18. I always thought I was lucky because I never felt the need to move out. Well. I was wrong. I need to get out! For my own sanity. I know it won't stop it since my mom still nags my sister who's in her 30s, still, it might help. But if I move out, I'll feel so guilty because I should be giving rent to my own parents instead of some landlord. Plus, it's a waste of money to rent, but with housing prices, there's no way I can buy a house now. Looks like I'm stuck here for a while.
Sorry for the venting. I just hate how my family makes a big deal of things all the freaking time. I shouldn't be stressing about anything right now, but noooooooo.....
3 comments:
Anh,
I feel exactly the same way as you do. In my parent's eyes, I am and never will be the daughter they want me to be. It doesnt matter anyways! Because no matter how hard I try, or how much I have strived to do the things they want me to, or ask of me, it is never good enough, or up to the level they expect of me. I remember trying so hard before - but I was always shot down. Always made to feel like my efforts were absolutely nothing! Almost as if my efforts would have been better if I did it with my ass, instead of my brain. (Well, something like that).
I stopped caring a LONG time ago, and I try to live life for ME now. It is still hard sometimes - I mean, they are my parents. I cannot disobey them and of course I want to please them by being a good daughter, but sometimes, it is taken way too far. As much as they think that they are doing us a favor, sometimes it is best for us to find things out on our own.
And I ALWAYS wonder what life would be like if I had a supportive family. Where would I be? What would I be doing? What kind of person would I be .... stronger? Fearless? *shrugs*
I try to remind myself that it is MY life, and I cannot let them live it for me. They can scream and yell at me as much as they want to - in the end, it is me that has to face the challenges of life by myself. And my parents will still be there to nag and yell at me about my choices regardless of which path I choose.
Its your life Anh. Don't forget that. And as for your parents, like mine, they will continue to nag, there is nothing stopping them! I have chosen to stop listening to them! *shrugs*
Don't worry. Your parents are just worried about you and afraid because they know you're growing up and they're losing control of you and your decisions. I just let my parents know why I'm making a certain decision and that I still value what they have to say about it. Doesn't always work (Re: getting chased around my house by my irate mother), but it's not like our parents are morons or something. They have some sense in them. I find communication helps a lot of the time. They just want the best for you and are afraid that if you make a wrong decision, they wont be able to protect you.
There again, they are parents, overprotective oriental parents. Sheesh. Good luck, man. That's why I'm across the ocean!!
Anyhow, let me know when you're coming over! We'll make sure you have a nice relaxing fun trip!
Anh,
Like Lucy said, it is your life and only you know what is best for it. Yes, we were raised in the traditional sense where we have to obey no matter what but sometimes, you just have to do things your way. I've always tried to be the good daughter, never do anything that my dad doesn't approve of or my whole family for that matter... and I often regret not living life how I should have.
It's hard to just totally drop everything and not care but all the stress you're dealilng with, it's not helping you recover. this was a huge thing that you went through and of course, you realize that liife is too short to just let it pass... do what you want, feel what you feel, say what you want to say... as long as you know that you're not harming yourself or ignoring your health, power to you!
Don't stress too much. Plus, if you feel like venting, I'm here to listen. you've always done it for me so like I said, use me!
Talk to youlater.
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